Did you ever feel like not praying? Confessions of an overwhelmed Mom.

I know, I know, that's a terrible thing to feel like...not feeling like praying. It's not that I am mad at God, it's not that I don't LOVE God!
But the last few weeks I just have felt so defeated and just plain mean inside.
THAT'S A KIND OF AWFUL THING TO ADMIT BUT I AM REALLY FEELING TRANSPARENT TODAY.

Oh, yes, I've prayed at meal times, prayed for someone to get well, prayed for safety on the road...all the things that are fairly easy to pray about.

But when it comes to our "couples" devotions or prayer time, I just haven't felt like praying.
So....I "pass" and let Roger do all the praying. I just felt like I couldn't "really" pray in a personal way. I have felt pretty discouraged and felt like I didn't deserve to pray.

Today, we discovered that I had LOST all the really really really important papers that people have to have...birth certificates, several years' tax statements, ALL OF OUR ADOPTION PAPERWORK AND OUR HOMESTUDY!!! I was just absolutely desperate and literally sick about it.

Since we have moved, we are very disorganized and incredibly overwhelmed. We are finishing up with the work that needs to be done at the other "big" house that we are selling. (Errrggg....the realtor told us to repaint the rooms that I had JUST repainted. I guess lavender is just too bright for it to be attractive for bedrooms. The cutest nursery ever also needed to be repainted and have the wall stickers removed from the walls. That just broke my heart. Even though we are selling the house, I decorated that room for our future adopted child. )

We still don't have a closet in our new/old/little house (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE...but wish it had a closet for us!) Our file cabinets that we usually have kept all the important information in are not moved here yet so I somehow had misplaced all those papers that we sooo badly needed.

Roger told me last night that he really had to have our tax statements TODAY before leaving for work so we went all out looking for the folder in which I had all those things. Finally this morning he left but asked me to continue searching and to bring them to him WHEN I found them.

So all this morning I have spend looking for a little file amongst piles and piles and boxes stacked around our bedroom. I tore the old vans apart looking for it just in case I left it there after a meeting with the adoption agency. No luck.

So....my grumpy old self decided that it was time to PRAY. To pray EARNESTLY....with TEARS!! (The tears were easy in my current mood.)

Then I searched again...no luck.
Finally I cried out to Him...asking why this was such a hard thing to answer for us?? I know, I sounded like a spoiled child, didn't I? But how many times does it feel like it's not too hard for HIM...just a simple request...and "If He LOVED me,.....He would do this for me."

How many times do our children say, "If you loved me, you would do this for me!!" We know WHY we can't do this or that for our kids and that it would be better for them to wait for their request. Maybe they had something to learn??

So, there I was, telling the Lord that He doesn't really love me. After all, He ONLY died on the cross for me, right? Gave me SALVATION, right? That's all......yeah.

But at least I was praying...communicating with my FATHER...even though it wasn't how I should have been doing it.

I continued searching. I moved a huge box of picture frames waiting for a wall that has not yet been built. I knew it wasn't in there. I was sure I wasn't searching in the right spot. There was another box, I went through it, and under that, I found a laundry basket.
"Hmmm....I've been looking for those clean clothes..." I thought....and low and behold, the green folder I had been crying over was at the bottom of the small orange laundry basket.

"THANK YOU LORD, THANK YOU LORD, THANK YOU LORD!" I prayed. I had been ready to give up. He kept me going.
There was NO reason that file should have been in the laundry basket....AND I'M KINDA...NO...REALLY EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT THAT WAS WHERE IT WAS!!

I think that sometimes we just get overwhelmed with THINGS and take our eyes off of God.
The things that we are doing right now in our lives ARE very very important and nothing can be taken off the "to do" list. Roger's illnesses these last few months were unforeseeable. Our adoption process is a very long and drawn out one. Working to sell the big expensive house is absolutely a crushing weight on us. Difficulties in families stress us to the point of breaking.

But nothing is as important as our relationship with God. Even though I haven't felt like praying or having an earnest relationship with my Lord right this very minute, He has not forsaken me! He will never forsake me.

He leads us through things, holding our hands like we would hold the hands of a precious child.

He never lets go.