Switching Countries????

Hello! Yesterday the snow fell heavily in parts of Indiana and today it is all white outside. I have a bad cold...probably brought on or at least made worse by my crying for days about the adoption disappointment. BUT I am recovering...from both...and feel somewhat better today!

I just talked to our adoption agency here in Indiana...in fact, I talked via email numerous times today. She said that the country that we have been thinking about is getting slower and slower and she is very frustrated about it. "Have you thought about switching countries?" she asked...and suggested Uganda.

They operate an orphanage in Uganda and she sent me names and ages of children there that are available...all HIV negative! She has a brother and sister pair...sister aged 3 or 4 and the little brother about 10 months old. She has other little ones as well...so.....we are thinking about it and considering and praying at this time. We have about a month to go in the process that she does and then it will be sent to the country we choose.

How exciting, especially after coming from such heartache last week. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

It is amazing how God works in our hearts and lives. I have become very attached to two little ones from the Congo that I take care of on Monday mornings at Becca's "school." There are also two more preschoolers from the Congo that attend the same school and they are also just adorable! I love their little faces and God is certainly giving me a love love love for their little African ethnicity like I never thought He could!!!! I think that they are just absolutely beautiful. When I held my little newborn birth babies, of course, they were white and I thought that no one else had such pretty babies. Now I feel the same way about these little ones. They are just so beautiful!! I am so very very happy that He is giving me time with these other little ones before He gives me MY little one or ones! I can hug and love on them and imagine my own little child someday. (And you know that I will think that he or she or they are the MOST beautiful in the WORLD!!!) God IS GOOD. I think sometimes He is hard for me to understand and it is even more difficult for me to be patient...but through it all, HE is GOOD!

Brrrr......

Oh wow...what a cold day this is turning out to be! It's another rainy day here in central Indiana.
I've been watching Thomas the Tank Engine with grandson Brody, though, and that always makes for a good day! (Not Thomas, necessarily, but BRODY, certainly!!)

I've also been drinking hot tea and starting on another Christmas sewing project this morning. I'm having some trouble locating my scissors. I'm rather quick to blame some teenagers around this house, but maybe I have them in my own mess. I DID see my kitchen scissors in one of their rooms and I found out today that they were giving the dog a trim with them. YUCK......Gross......

So, now that I'm trying to move on from the huge adoption disappointment, we're not exactly sure which way we are to go. I'm having a difficult time getting our adoption agency here in Indiana to answer my emails. Not sure what to think about that. I don't know how God is leading right now and I'm just not sure what to do. I think I will just wait and see what God does for us. I do know of a couple of children who MAY eventually be given up for adoption. It breaks my heart for them and the uncertainty and havoc that is in their lives. I'm really concerned for one particular little girl who I understand is in danger of being abused. Please keep her in your prayers. There's nothing I can do about it because I don't have a name or particulars...just that she is being badly mistreated and she's only 2. Could she turn out to be "my baby Grace?"

It's beginning to look a LITTLE like Christmas around here. I have a cute little quilt throw on our tiny kitchen table. It's a red, white and green wedding ring quilt. I have a poinsettia on the table as well and one on my tea cart in the living room. I have a stack of Christmas presents in the living room just waiting for a Christmas tree to put them under! It's strange to decorate this tiny little house compared to decorating the big house we have on the market. But it's still fun.

I've done quite a bit of Christmas shopping and I feel like we're almost done. I have gift cards to buy and just a few other things. We're cutting back this year!

Well, try to stay warm...and dry. Even the squirrels who dance around my back yard are holed up in their comfy tree. I think I will grab a blanket, a Christmas magazine, and an obliging toddler (and Thomas the Tank Engine...) and cuddle up on the couch!

Blessings!
Beth

One Last Word About the Two Little Ones...

Today the family that was chosen to adopt the little ones are meeting with the "parents" and the two children. The kids don't realize that anything is going on with them but if the meeting goes well, the process for them to be adopted by the new family will start.

I have been thinking about the incredible joy that must be in the new Mommy's heart at the prospect of having these two beautiful children. I know that they brought me joy when I thought that it would be us adopting them.

I don't understand how God works...but that's ok. His ways are not our ways.

Today in Sunday School, amidst my tears when I shared with our class that we would not be getting the children, our teacher, Dennis, said to me, "You know, God knew all along who was going to get these children. But He knew that these children needed prayer...and I bet you prayed for them, didn't you?"

Of course, I did. I prayed so often, almost continually about them. I talked to so many people and asked for their prayers for them.

I don't understand prayer...I never have. I don't understand that an omnipotent, omniscient God would want us to pray but He does. And I did.

I most likely will never find out anything else about them, except that the adoption will be taking place but wow...I feel like they are part of my family. I will never be able to hear their names without thinking of the little ones I thought would be mine.

I'm sure this sadness will pass and so will the hurt. I'm sure we were brought this way for a reason that maybe we will never understand. But once the healing is done, we are made stronger.

But I know that we NEVER wanted to "compete" or "fight" for a particular child. I just realized that today...that THAT was why we wanted adopt from a 3rd world country. We wanted to give the child or children the love that we have in abundance to share. We want to give a home to a child without hope and to share our Savior with a child who may otherwise never know Him.

She's out there somewhere...I just have to wait to meet her.

No News is Bad News....

We still haven't heard anything from the adoption agency regarding the two little ones. I realize that this is a major holiday week but in light of the fact that this is almost an "emergency" situation and the social worker told me that we needed to work fast, I am thinking that most likely we will not even be interviewed to possibly adopt the children.

Other families have already been contacted and have had conference calls to talk to the people the children are with now.

It's pretty hard right now. I have gone from the joy of thinking we will have the children we have been praying for for 4 years right after Christmas to the ugly reality that we will not get these children at all.

A little finch just landed in a tiny tree just outside my window where the computer is located. The limb where she sat almost leans on the pane of glass so I was able to really see her and I thought how pretty she is, tilting her little head from side to side, bright eyes darting around our back yard. Then I thought how the Bible says that God knows when a sparrow falls and that they do not have to worry about where to live or where to get food. How much more does our Heavenly Father love us?

This is a really hard time for me. I can only think of a few times in my life that I have been so upset. I have spent the last few days asking the Lord, respectfully, why He would put me through this? Why would He lead us in this way just to have "the rug jerked out from under us."
(Yeah, I used that phrase to Him, too.)

I don't know the answer but I do know that He loves us. He loves the little ones more than I do and He knows the very best home for them.

I have often thought, after we adopt and are adoption "savvy", that I would love to have an adoption ministry. I can't imagine having a ministry to people that are hurting if I have never hurt in the same way. What good would I be if everything were always easy?

I had cancer 13 years ago and I know the uncertainty of the diagnosis of malignancy. I can talk to people who have that looming over them.

I have been divorced. I can promise that things get better to those who are going through it now.

I have been abused. I can talk to women who have had the same experiences and shame.

I guess this is something else that I can add to my list. I don't like it very well, but to God be the glory. His GLORY is all that really matters anyway, isn't it?

One of these days, hopefully, I will have a lovely little brown skinned beauty to love and nurture. (Or possibly with skin more the color of my own...it doesn't matter! He or She will be OUR to love and cherish.)

The waiting is just so hard.

Breaking Heart....

Sometimes things happen that I simply can not understand.

We were told tonight that there are several other families who are trying to get "our" little ones. We are 4th in line with 3 other more preferable, impressive families ahead of us. I was told that they have already started the phone interviews with them and that we would be told what happens. I have a feeling that the adoption specialist we have been dealing with is feeling bad for us...or something. She was almost gushing to me before and then became almost businesslike...as if she knew it weren't going to happen for us.

I was pretty sure that my heart ....having fallen quite hard for these two little angels...was very safe and not going to be broken and that the Lord was going to give them to us. I guess it is possible that we can still be chosen but it doesn't look good. But I know that with God all things are possible.

I've heard about families who have gone all the way through the process and even made trips to Russia...just to get to court to be turned down. What a heart break for them.

I had a miscarriage many years ago and this is what that felt like.

I don't understand it. At all.

There are two things that I can think of to make this a little bit more bearable. The first one is that we have been praying, all along, that the RIGHT home for these precious little ones will be found. It's possible that it is not with us.

The other thing is that WHEN the Lord gives us our child or children, the love we will have for them will be even deeper than it could be if the path was always easy.

Right now I am just feeling so empty. I have so much to be grateful, THANKFUL for, but right now I'm just so very very sad.
I was just so very very very sure.

But in all things, the Lord is GOOD. I don't understand it, but hopefully, some day He will show me why. Maybe when I look into the eyes of the child or children that He gives us, I will see His goodness reflected back to me. I just wish it could be soon....

Blessings,
Beth

Another adoption story...

Two weeks ago today we were given information about children who need a home. I can't go into specifics but they are gorgeous.
We realize that adopted children who are a bit older than newborn very very often have some emotional needs that need to be addressed, dealt with, and usually need to have some help getting through them.
We fell in love with these children immediately upon seeing their pictures. (We still haven't met them yet.) But being a Mother who desperately wants more children, I was afraid I was putting my heart before God's direction. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
Finally I pleaded with God, asking Him to show me/us without a doubt that this was HIS will in our lives...and in the lives of these precious little children.
I asked Him to show me in the Bible without a doubt. Then I asked Him to do something for ME...this may sound silly, juvenile, for someone who has been a Christian for soooo many years, but I asked Him to allow me to open my Bible, anywhere it opens to, and I will start reading 10 chapters. Within those 10 chapters, I asked Him to show me the words, "Adoption, Orphan, or Fatherless". Then I told the Lord that if He doesn't show me those words, I will close the Bible and accept that these little ones are not the ones He has for us. (Immediately I started trying to figure out how I could get out of that last part of the prayer...because I really had fallen hard for these little children!!! But I didn't "weasel" out of the prayer. I knew that I would just not answer the email back if I didn't find those words. And a lump rose in my throat.)

I removed all the papers and bookmarks from my Bible and prayed again. Then I closed my eyes and opened the Bible....to Romans 8. I started reading there in verse 1. When I got to verse 15, I literally felt like I had been struck by lightening. It scared me to pieces! Romans 8:15 says, "For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the spirit of ADOPTION, whereby we cry ABBA FATHER." There it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I continued reading. What else did He have for me in those chapters? Three times in the first 45 verses or so it says "ADOPTION"!!
I ran and showed my husband...Mr. Rational. He was fairly impressed. (as impressed as irrational thinking can impress him, that is....)
But I was at peace with the decision to move forward and started telling people about my experience.

Someone told me "Yeah, but ADOPTION is a pretty common theme throughout the Bible."

Oh, really???? I thought perhaps she was right. Do you know that the word adoption is mentioned only 5 times throughout the Bible? Three of those times were in the first 45 verses I read.

I've heard, throughout my whole Christian life, about people who say they open the Bible and put their finger on a verse and that's their answer. I've wondered about the wisdom of people who do that. (ok....yeah, I've done that myself a time or two.....) But I usually have done that out of my impatience. I want an answer RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
I honestly don't feel this way about our situation. We had to make a decision right away and we wanted the Lord's leading in this. I don't ever ever want there to be a time .... if we get these children...that we think, "Wow...this is hard. Maybe we weren't supposed to have done this."

I don't think we will feel that way. Oh, yes, I'm sure that there will be hard times. There are always hard times. Even with biological children who haven't been through what these children will have been through, I have UPON OCCASION thought..."Ewwww....sometimes I don't like teenagers...."

So it is now out of our hands, into the hands of the people handling the little ones' situation...and into the very capable Hands of our Lord...who loves them even more than we already do.

HIS WILL BE DONE......(but I hope it's with us!!! ;) )

Adoption prayers....

We are still praying and waiting for news about two little ones we are hoping to adopt. There is a lot to be considered but we know that God's hand is in all things in our lives. That is quite a comfort. In times that we are unsure or questioning ourselves, we can turn to Him and ask what is His will. If we truly feel that God is directing us, then we know that He is in charge. Thank goodness!! Everytime I'm in charge, I mess things up!
Keep us in your prayers, if you think about it. Also, keep those little ones in your prayers. It has to be so incredibly sad to not have a mommy or daddy to turn to and to get comfort from. How scary.
I think we need each other....;)

Angie's Gift

When Roger and I married 4 1/2 years ago, I was thrilled to gain a wonderful mother in law. I was excited to have this steadfast Christian prayer warrior in my family and often in my home. I envisioned lots of times of prayer and chats with her as I became her daughter in law. Unfortunately, that was not to happen. We married in June and dear Angie went to heaven the following September.

She was in her 80's...she had her twins, Roger and Ronda, in her 40's. I knew it was not going to be for a long time that I would have her influence in my life, but I certainly took it hard losing her so soon after just getting to "have" her.

One of the hardest things I have thought about is trying to tell the precious child/children that the Lord eventually allows us to adopt about their grandma. I want them to feel that she is a part of them as well and how very very much she would have loved them! I am very fortunate to still have my crazy and funny parents to share with my little ones but I really wish that Angie could be here to love and nurture them as well. What a blessing she would be to them, as she was to us.

On Saturday, I was working on our bedroom. I finally put a closet pole in a niche in our room, creating a temporary closet until we build on to our home. I started sorting through the stacks of things we have in our bedroom and I came across a long flat box. I opened it up and was delighted to find what was within.

Angie had been a Sunday School teacher of young children for many many years. I think that she had to have been very much involved with little ones throughout all of my husband's life. What I didn't know is that she had kept her "visuals" that she had created during those years. In an age where people seem to think that children need electronics and gadgets to learn from, I was so happy to find her beautifully created pictures that she had used in teaching her Sunday School children all those years. There were hand drawn, colored pictures of Jesus, churches, missionary and Bible stories and open Bibles with verses written in them.

I became very excited after realizing that I had been searching the Internet for teaching aids to use when we are finally able to adopt little ones. How absolutely wonderful that I will be able to teach our little ones about the Lord, all lovingly created and drawn by their Grandma's gifted hand!

So, while it's true that Grandma Angie won't be here to physically love these children, she has left an amazing legacy. Not only did she rear a wonderful adoptive Daddy for these little children, she left her love and dedication to Biblical things to teach her adopted grandchildren about our dear Lord...and that's a precious precious gift.

Resting in Him

For the last few weeks I have been waking up at about 4 or 4:30 every morning burdened for our adopted child/children, all along not having a clue who he or she or they are. I have prayed and prayed for them...or him...or her...until I finally am able to drift off to sleep. Then the alarm clock sounds at 6. Sounds about right, doesn't it?

But last night, during my sleepless hour or so, I realized that I was beginning to really enjoy that time with my Lord. I pour out my heart to Him, my concerns, my pain, my worries...and He listens. I finally place it all in His capable hands and find rest.

I wake up with my soul at peace knowing that His will will be done. VERY often, I wake up with a refrain from a Christian song running through my head. What a blessing that is when I know that the Lord has been taking care of me while I sleep, comforting me and giving me the needed rest. How often have we looked in on our children while they slept, taking care of their every need, coaxing disheveled locks of soft hair from their foreheads, covering them up for the 100th time, adjusting their little arms into a more comfortable position, retrieving lost "Bear Bears" that have slipped to the floor.

What does He think when He sees His Dear Ones sleeping? He says to us, "I will keep thee in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Me." Isaih 26:3 (Paraphrased by me!)

We love and cherish our children...how much more capable is our Heavenly Father to take care of us...AND them...even before they are placed in our homes!

Blessings,
Beth

Signs of Winter...

Looking out our kitchen window I see signs of winter. Central Indiana has had two mornings of thick frost on our windows and ground. The soybean and corn fields are now bare...but still beautiful. As a child, I loved to wander our farm fields just after harvest. Often we picked up ears of corn that the harvester missed. We would clean all the kernels off the cobs to help feed our animals. In the wintertime, I would iceskate on the ice left in the rows where the corn had once stood. In the late fall or winter, I would gather dried weeds to arrange and decorate our home.

I'm looking forward to wandering in the woods behind our house...now almost completely bare of their leaves. It seems all new to me now that the trees look different.

Winter makes some people sad...but not me. True, I hate filling up my gas tank when its so cold that your nose freezes. I really hate driving (or having my loved ones drive) in bad weather, but I truly love playing in the snow with the kids. I have always loved building snow men, snow forts and writing "I love you!" in the traces of snow on my husband's car. The approaching holiday season makes me happy! I love buying people presents, wrapping them beautifully and having them appear under the tree!

When my children were younger, we had HUGE stockings that "Santa" filled. That way, there was a limit on what "he" could bring. He brought toys that would fit in the stockings, dolls, stuffed animals, legos, etc. We are not sure how we are going to handle "Santa" with any adopted child. Our true focus has always been on Jesus and the last few years even more so.
We have more Nativity scenes than we know what to do with!

How have YOU handled Christmas... with or without Santa? Roger didn't have "Santa" come when his children were younger...in my home, we did. We are not arguing about this, I think either way would be fine. In this and in all things, we want to do the right thing in the eyes of God!

Blessings,
Beth

Adoption Prayer Request

Yesterday I received news of an adoption option. (waxing poetic...) I can't really give specifics but we are exploring this with great anticipation and lots and lots of prayers!

I think knowing God's will is sometimes so very difficult. I want to do HIS will, not BETH'S will....but what is it?? I've been searching the Scriptures and Roger and I have both prayed and made a decision. However,the ultimate decision is not in our hands...but God's, right?

Prayers, please!!!!!

When I hear about dear ladies whose hearts are breaking because they don't have a child, now I ALMOST understand how they feel. I, of course, have been blessed to be able to have a child, so I am sure I don't understand the depth of sadness they experience. But this longing to hold a little one again and call him or her my son or daughter is pretty deep in itself. It seems like a long long journey to adopt. I know that I will surely think that it has been worth it when we finally are able to go and bring our child home.

Maybe it will help when we are finally matched with a child...but then again, the longing will be even more extreme when we can actually see the child's precious face and know that he or she is without us...and that we desperately need each other.

I think about the women in the Bible who prayed and prayed for children...of Hannah, of Sarah, or Elizabeth. What sweet names they would make for the little girl I am desiring. Hannah Grace, Sarah Grace, Elizabeth Grace.....precious!

Or Nathaniel Allen........No question about his name. (We intend to incorporate the African name into the name as well....)

Sunday I heard about a two year old little African American boy who was just taken from his mother because of her meth addiction and my heart went out to him. I think it is very unlikely that we would be able to take him in...but we are making some inquiries. Currently, a friend of mine is trying to obtain temporary custody. I am praying earnestly for that to happen. Of course, it would be a long and difficult road to actually try to legally adopt him. Possibly full of heartaches for us all. But this woman has already lost custody of two other children earlier in her life because of drugs. This little guy needs a home but she still has her parental rights currently. I'm not sure what it would do to our African adoption but we really want to have two children!
Roger would be soooooo thrilled to have a little boy!!

I'm just asking for God's leading in this and in all things. He is good. (Confusing to me sometimes but very very good!!)
Blessings to you all,
Beth